"Untitled"

We all have our outlets....

Just this morning my boyfriend asked me, "What about Video Journaling, Beyonce does it ya know!?"

Of course, I responded with, "Oh, I know. I do that already." Much to no surprise (for those of you aware of my slight obsession with Her Majesty.

But then it dawned on me that I could never retire my pen and paper. Could Mozart retire his piano?

Writing is part of who I am.

Words flow through my veins like images in my imagination.

Endlessly.

How can you challenge something innate? 

You can't. 


It's like buying a Kindle, for me, the crackle, the smell of each page turning reveals more of the story than a preface ever could.

Books. Pens. Pencils. Words...Writing...my bread and water...my rain and sunshine...my nourishment.

_________

I've been writing poetry for years. Created books, journals, illustrations...my way of sharing myself with...well the world I suppose.

Some may wonder why expose myself, why share the most intimate parts of my beings with strangers?

If I looked at life like that I suppose I would classify  myself as a pessimist - thankfully I don't. 

I believe we all find therapy in life in some capacity, be it meditation, yoga, exercise, painting, dancing, playing soccer (in my boyfriend's case)...for me it's writing. 

There's something so powerful about the way words come together, something so unbelievably artistic and therapeutic that leaves me ironically speechless.

I wrote this poem yesterday...It's titled "Untitled," perhaps someone can help me come up with a proper title based on your interpretation...curiosity consumes me.

Enjoy!

Blessed Sunday.

                                                                      “Untitled”

By: Elizabeth Lewin

Obsured. The colors it sits upon the rainbow like a Queen upon her Throne,

Casting a shadow on subjects below.

Wilting the Roses with their fragrant glow they sit frozen in time

As the dew cascades from petal to petal, each stem shriveling onto the ground of a destination unknown.

Dream Deferred.

Life Astray.

Frozen by the shadow of “Mystery Mountain.”

When will the light break the tip of darkness?

When will tears cascade into color once again?

When will the reverent water flow like a river down the slippery slope of time lifting life’s gems one by one?

Dream Deferred.

She will lift the crippled hands of time, each frozen finger, one by one.

The gates of deference will open.

Her warm breath will breathe life into the kaleidoscope of colors surrounding her and blood will lift her weakened body eclipsed by a power not her own.

A mystery no longer.

Victorious she stands, wrapped in the warmth of the sunlight.

"Aquarius"

Happy Saturday All!

I hope everyone had a loving Valentine's Day. Though my day didn't exactly go as planned, I realized, as I re-read my previous entry that it's not about where I am or what I'm doing. It's about who I'm with at that moment, second, span of time. 

I decided: NOW THIS IS LOVE!
                            ________

I had a restful night's sleep, one of few as of lately. And as I read my horoscope, as I do every morning, it was humbling to encounter these words. 

Now I know not everyone out there is an Aquarius, however, I do know that everyone out there in someway can relate to these words:

Stop worrying about the future and concentrate on the present. 

You may be all wrapped up about some achievement you've been working toward.

You may be worried that you have missed some detail, or you may even be concerned that you won't "measure" up. 

BUT YOU WILL, AQUARIUS.

What's most important now is that you live in the present moment, and that you invest yourself fully in what you are doing. Rest assured that everything is as it should be now, and if you focus on the here and now you will be fully prepared for the future when it arrives.

_________

It's been a rough week/end. And waking up to a new day knowing that all the words I have written fall in line with the cosmos...well...that's a load off.

Plans have changed, I have diverged. But that doesn't mean I am a failure. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.

Life has a funny way of falling into place. But you can't control what pieces go where, when. That's probably the biggest struggle for a "controller" like myself. 

But then I ask myself, "What would happen if I took that very same second I usually take to rearrange my fresh flowers, to stop and just stand, look around that very room and BE present in THIS moment?"

What would happen if I started living my life KNOWING that everything's ok because I'm traveling down a road of preparation not perfection. 

What would happen if I started investing IN myself instead of betting AGAINST myself?

I ask you the same question.....a doosey I know!

Whether you believe in horoscopes, the cosmos, both or neither, this question is still relevant, it's still a challenge to digest and to consider and that's where I want to end this entry.

Are you courageous enough to close your eyes and just BE...here? 

"Saint Valentine"

L.O.V.E.

A jam packed 4 letter word.

I live in a world where I've known only one type of love - unconditional, non-judgmental, selfless love.

Watching my parents, immigrants whose faith conquered oceans, loving each other with the same passion and laughter 37 years and 2 children later.

Watching my older sister protect me from the ways of the world and the words of the wicked.

Watching my 80-year-old God Parents smile after receiving the smallest token of my affection as they celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary.

That's "MY" version of love.

Realizing that my best friend is the best love I've ever known. 8 years later, to find his love, patience, candor, smile, embrace and dedication would teach me about self-love...

That's "MY" version of love.

With Valentine's Day right around the corner I found it only appropriate to write an entry about what love means to me. Maybe we share the same definition...maybe we don't...but isn't that beautiful?                                 
                            _______

It took me a long time to understand the difference between the two "L's": L.U.S.T AND L.O.V.E.

What is lust? Is it the preliminary stage before love? If lust is the fire that boils my blood, what then is love? 

My clarity is eclipsed.

My older sister used to tell me, "Lust is a fleeting feeling. Love grows. You water love. If you nurture it, it will nurture you."

Wow. 

That makes sense. Or does it?

Suddenly, I find myself reminiscing. A subconscious energy starts racing through my heart.

How many relationships have nurtured me? I know that I've nurtured pretty much all of the, but why wasn't that "love" reciprocated? Or was it simply lust?

And then a cloud of sadness moves in...

How much of my heart have I selflessly handed away to greedy lustful hands?

(Silence)
                             _______                                                                                       
     
Some people believe in soul mates. I say "some people" because I never categorized myself as one of "those" people.

One person. One love. "And they lived happily ever after."

...Food for thought....

If love is indeed a living growing object...well then it would make sense that every object has a pre-destined mate and that those two will in fact live "happily ever after" or something to that affect. Right?

What do YOU believe?

Is LOVE selfish?

 or

Is LUST selfish?

Is LOVE priceless?

  or

Is LUST priceless?

Is LOVE kind?

  or

Is LUST kind?

Does LOVE forgive?

or 

Does LUST forgive?

Does LOVE hurt?

or 

Does LUST hurt?

...

Will LOVE leave?

or 

Will LUST?

I have my own answers to these questions, as I'm sure you do. Hopefully, they aren't based on society's presentation, but rather on your own experiences. Your own heartaches.  

My heartaches have introduced me to the "perfectly imperfect" love of my life(perhaps that's how I know he's my soul mate).

This year, I'm choosing to celebrate Valentine's Day at home, quietly. Just me and him, him and me.

For me, this day isn't about the bells and whistles, not even the chocolate and roses (though like every woman I do love them). It's about making sure that the one you're with appreciates you, cares for you, LOVES you.

I've come to realize that to me LOVE is real and LUST is simply it's shadow yearning for more sunlight. And though at times the sun blinds our judgment, once you pull down that shade of courage, you'll see exactly what you're dealing with.

 With Love. 

Happy "Love" Day!

L.I.V.E

L.A.U.G.H

L.O.V.E

"SCREAM AND SHOUT!"

After a nightmare of insomnia, I spent my afternoon dozing off and on to some of my favorite tunes. I've never really classified myself as a lover of "genres," more so a lover of lyrics. For me it's about the content - whatever that content may be. 

My sister, a doctor, tends to remind me on a rather daily basis that, "not everyone has the innate ability to express themselves sensibly like you do." A confession I tend to brush off. In my mind, we all do. We all have words. The difference is how we assemble them and produce more than just a sentence, but a meaning, a movement.

                           _______

The remarkable thing about music is that in many ways it speaks for you, with you, to you....or maybe to someone else. The movement has been created, all you have to do is step in line.

One of my favorite artists is Emeli Sande. There is so much truth in her lyrics, so much truth in her life. 

When I first heard, "Read All About It", I admit it was her musical genius that captivated me at first. A British-born Alicia Keys. There's something majestic about the way that she plays the piano - like a delicate butterfly landing on a flower. 

Not a day goes by when I don't think about other people. I guess you could say I am to some degree consumed by the thoughts, feelings, opinions and stories of my loved ones and in some cases complete strangers. Now I know what you must be thinking, "You're a journalist." Yes, you're right. I am. But before anything, I am a person. 

I'm affected by the very same words that my sources and characters are. I am affected by what people think of me, feel about me, say to me. I cry. I fear. I care. It's hard to publicly admit that - surely I'm one of very few individuals who've revealed themselves.              
                             _______

"People-Pleasing" has in short become somewhat of an unconscious past-time of mine. It's almost as effortless as people watching or bird watching. At times, well most of the time if I'm being honest, I rarely call myself out on it.

It's taken me my entire life to understand why I spend time caring about what other people say, think or do in regards to me, myself and I. I have yet to come to some sort of logical conclusion other than the obvious - jealousy. But can that really be it? Why do I care what they think about how I dress or the choices I've made? Why has it been so important to keep pretenses up for 26 years?


If my sister is in fact right, why is it that I don't OPEN MY MOUTH?!

And then I heard these words....and suddenly in the matter of 5 minutes and 24 seconds my feelings, thoughts and story came pouring out of Emeli's mouth. Maybe my story isn't just mine:

"You've got the words to change a nation but you're biting your tongue.

You've spent a lifetime stuck in silence afraid you'll say something wrong

If no one ever hears it how we gonna learn your song?

So come on, come on

Come on, come on...."

"You've got a heart as loud as lions 

So why let your voice be tamed?

Baby we're a little different 

There's no need to be ashamed

You've got the light to fight the shadows

So stop hiding them away

Come on, Come on

Come on, Come on...."

                              
                              _______

I chose this profession because at times I grew up feeling as if my words didn't matter. You know, us kids, we "don't know what we're talking about." I beg to differ, we do. We are talking about our feelings and those feelings matter.

I wouldn't say that I bite my tongue as much as I would say I live in fear at times that people will learn my story and suddenly view me differently. But I guess the point of this song is celebrating the fact that "we're a little different, there's no need to be ashamed." Simple and sweet.

I think every single individual walking this planet earth has a story. Something to share, something to say and yet rarely are these stories heard in their truth. We are taught to be tamed, taught to "fit in" when maybe the circle was never meant to fit in the square - it was meant to fit in a circle. 

I listen to this song every morning without fail. It's become somewhat of a ritual if you will, as organic as brushing my teeth. 

People wonder, "If today were my last day on earth, how would I spend it..." I can't say that I live in that frame of mind, but if I were asked that question my answer would be that I lived in light. 

I shared my story and authentic self with the world. I was loved and perhaps I was hated, but I was known. And that to me is paramount. "I Was Here," as my idol Beyonce said.

Emeli majestically closes this song with this poetic question:

"Yeah we're ALL wonderful, wonderful people

So when did we all get so fearful?

Now we're finally finding our voices 

So take a chance, come help me sing this..."

So I ask you: You - sitting in the corner, afraid to raise you're hand for fear of being wrong. You - the little girl who never fit in because she never chose to stand out. You - the one living on eggshells afraid to fall - "When did we all get so fearful?"

My mother always says, "I have one thing on this earth and that's my name." I get it. All I have is my name and it's time to stand up and SCREAM AND SHOUT. It's time to let people read all about me, read about what I've done and what I haven't done. How I succeeded and how I failed. What I stood for and what I stood against. It's time people knew me. 

Perhaps after reading my words you know something more than what you see. 

ROAR!

"From 26 to 36"

First off, I want to apologize for the "spam" beneath my header.   I guess it speaks to the theme of this entry "nothing, ABSOLUTELY nothing, is perfect." Somethings are out of our control and that folks, that right there is the beauty of life! I found an immense peace of mind and piece of wisdom in accepting that. After I got over my initial "power trip" that is.

It's been a while...I've been transforming...shedding the ca-coon of 2012 and flying into 2013. 

This blog has been mostly dedicated to fashion, to some degree or another, but this year has opened my heart and mind. Beyond just the external layers of our complex being.

I'm beginning to realize (based on my own personal experiences, obstacles and challenges) that this world needs more positivity. 

So, I have taken the initiative to change the tone of my entries and use my words as a vector to reach out - to be a voice, to bridge whatever gap needs bridging, to restore hope and give people out there swimming in pools of pessimism a renewed sense of self and inner-projection. 

So much has happened in 2012 - the everlasting year, or so I like to call it. 

Marriages, births, deaths...sickness...change...sadness...

To some degree I just wish that I had the chance to say - "Thank You" or "I Wish I Knew" or simply "It Will Get Better."

                             _____

I turned 26 last month and I as many of us do at the dawn of a new year, I started my "bucket list of goals." Naturally, this list consisted of everything I failed to accomplished over the last 25 years. 

But waking up this year was different. I realized, on the actually day of my birthday, that for the FIRST time the pressure I've been putting on myself to be this perfect version of ME year after year after... - well that goal was not only self deprecating, but it was down right ridiculous!  

I've been inhibiting myself from living the life God intended for me to live. To be the person he intended me to be and fulfill the goals he intended me to fulfill.Because I wanted to be someone else.

Whatever you believe in or whomever you find solace in, or wherever you find a sense of clarity...well that "BEING" is more powerful than you and that being (in my opinion) is the ultimate. 

We small humans have the mere ability to see only a piece of the puzzle. A spec of the mural. A shade of the rainbow. And yet, we behave as if we have that ultimate power to change our pre-destined outcomes. Why is that? How dare we. Well, I won't speak for the world, but I will certainly say...how dare ME! 
                             ______

I was at the gym recently and I came across this article that inspired me to write a letter...to myself...my 36 year old self. At first the idea seemed somewhat silly - how am I supposed to know what will transpire in a DECADE? I struggle getting myself from breakfast to lunch, that's if I ever get there.

But then, in the split second of silence between songs, I thought "perhaps this exercise isn't about knowing everything, it's about accepting everything."

At 26, my life has been about rejection, self-rejection.I've challenged my gut, my family, my mentors, my health, my...well...everything. To no avail. Perhaps the purpose of this letter was to restore hope in myself. To reacquaint myself with the power of God, my ultimate. It was to help me fit into the shoes of a DREAMER. 

Though I'll never posses the power to see the "big" picture, I can dream about it, surely. 

                              _______

The beautiful thing about life, trenches and all, is that time is never stagnant. You can count on it - you will grow, time will tick, people will change - for better or for worse life progresses. Life matures.

And so, with that in mind, 26 year old Lizzy wrote to 36 year old Elizabeth with confidence pouring out of her fingertips. 

I said to myself, "I may not remember every single experience I lived 10 years from now, but I do know that every single experience I've lived made me the woman I KNOW I will be at 36. The mother, journalist, wife, sister, daughter and friend I strived to be." 

After sharing my letter with my parents, sister and boyfriend, I folded it and gave it to my father who preciously tucked it in the safe - postage stamp and all. "From Elizabeth", "To Elizabeth."

And That was That.

                              ______

The best part about writing that letter was knowing nothing lasts forever and appreciating it. I won't be 26 forever. I won't experience these very obstacles forever nor the these very joys.So I have better accept them. You have better accept them.

Before I knew it, 50 minutes on the elliptical flew by. And I was left with this thought....

There are so many chapters of my life ahead of me, ahead of all of us, and I can't wait to re-read this chapter of my life while living in a different chapter. 

"Overcoming obstacles is a matter of HEART over HARDSHIP."

Write a letter. Meet yourself 10 years down the road from now, I love that person. That person IS the product of a dream! 

A Quaint Reminder

WHAT A WORLD WIND!


I've decided it's time for me to bust open the door to this seemingly welded gilded cage and fly....to ARIZONA.


For those of you who've been keeping up with my recent posts, you're aware of my recent self-discovery which took place during my retreat to Tucson - sometimes retreats are necessary to remind yourself and the world what TRULY matters.


Health. Love. Happiness.


Those 30 days were some of the most revealing days of my life. Countless memorable moments, raw memories, ones that have motivated me to go back.


Since being back home I've digressed into some "old" habits - you know, the ones that convince you to listen to that critical inner voice telling you who you should be, what you should be and why you should be it? Yea, those toxic habits.


But, starting May 30th, I'm leaving those habits here. This camel has taken her last straw.


Fittingly, I ran across a "quaint" little reminder today, despite the fact that I found it on one of my notorious little gossip sites, the point is that somehow it reminded me of all those things I learned about myself while out there by myself. 


A quote, well an excerpt, from a documentary that Demi Moore produced called, "The Conversation." 


It's pretty powerful, the whole concept really. Initiating a global conversation about femininity and all it entails. Heavy stuff. 


As I looked within myself I found that this quote resonated with me so deeply, as an individual, but especially as a woman. Perhaps, it reminded me to reconsider the beauty within my vulnerability and the perfection within my imperfections:

courtesy of theybf.com

"...It’s like, we’re beautiful not because of what size we are, we’re beautiful because of how your mind works and you’re beautiful because you have this gorgeous heart and that comes from way more than you fitting in some size two dress. And we’re beautiful because of all these things that come up and tumble out of us and that’s beautiful because I just always feel like I love being a woman. I really love it...." -  A. Keys


However, if ever, you digest these words I urge you to let them marinate. Maybe a physical retreat isn't an option for you at the moment, but a mental retreat certainly always is. No matter the day, time, or space.


I'm curious to know where these words lead you on your rediscovery....


Bon Voyage!

I LOVE...ME?

The beauty of the female form always leaves me in awe. Now, I'll admit, I too, like most women, grapple with bouts of insecurity  issues now and then. Hey, I'm not proud, I'm human.

As I was getting ready to head out to the gym today I packed the usuals - mags, headphones, iphone, water...motivation...and I made my way!

The gym and I haven't always been "amigos". Let's just say, we went through a pretty severe break-up after years of what felt like an abusive relationship.

Essentially, I worked myself to the bone, literally.

As I sat on the bike, peddling away, I couldn't help but absorb everything around me. It's amazing what one notices when given the opportunity to...breathe.

The vast array of bodies, shapes, work outs, will power, drive, confidence, style - I was taken aback. I wasn't focused on myself, as per usual. Suddenly, I had this new-found appreciation for others.

It felt, well, refreshing!

Every time I go to the gym I find myself "nit-picking" - oh this is too flabby, this is too saggy, this could be tighter, this could look firmer. I can't recall ever having something positive to say about myself, not even "congrats for dragging your butt here!"

Sad, I know. 

As I looked around the gym I noticed that while every person in there was working...working hard...their faces didn't look miserable, they had "acceptance" written all over their faces. 

I had been reading the Spring Edition of InStyle while on the bike and suddenly this inherent pressure I felt to look like Jen Aniston on the cover faded.

A-C-C-E-P-T-A-N-C-E.

Such a profound concept. By definition, "to accept" means to "receive something or someone with favor or approval."

It's almost comical. The countless amount of times I've accepted others and yet refused to accept myself. From my body, to my smile, to my skin tone, to my hair...nothing was good enough.

For 10 years, I lived and breathed the impossibility  of perfection.

After leaving the gym, I ran across this picture on my girlfriend's Facebook page and it resonated with me.

There's something about the unique stance of each individual woman that radiates - acceptance.

"I AM WHO I AM, WHO ARE YOU?" 

The fact of the matter is -  a power greater than any single one of us made us who we are; well at least that's how I perceive things, that's when my ignorance isn't clouding my vision of course.

Having put that out there...I have a proposal.

For you readers out there I challenge you to answer these 3 questions.

1. What if, instead of waking up and critiquing what you see in the bathroom mirror, you dare yourself to ACCEPT what you see?

2. What if, you started the day off celebrating yourself instead of destroying yourself? 

3. When was the last time you said to yourself, "I LOVE YOU JUST AS YOU ARE?" How did you feel?

Just some "food for thought" the next time you pencil in a workout!

<3